We've all received them - those obnoxious, braggy Christmas letters from friends. The children are on the verge of Olympic medals or scholarships (at the tender age of 3!) and the parents are still in a state of newlywedded bliss after thirteen glorious years of marriage! We all know they're a steaming pile of bull, don't we? Well, JMC has a hilarious twist on the Christmas letter. In hers, she tells the truth about what's really going on with each member of her family. It's priceless and I thought I'd try my hand at writing one.
Dear obnoxious friends who have subjected us to these letters,
Let's all be honest. Your child is not a piano prodigy. Neither are my kids. In fact, here's the low-down on Casa Shelly:
We'll start with me. I'm a lazy motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, I have a job and I work moderately hard when I'm there. When I'm at home, though, my lazy ass is usually parked on the couch reading a good book. Which might explain why my ass is expanding at such an exponential rate. And why the clutter is taking over my house. If I could even locate my coffee table, I might clean it. Y'know, right after I finish this book.
As for Rock, while he is a domestic god (and he is), he is becoming a delay fish, as Marlin from Finding Nemo says. You know, one of those fish that cause delays. Anytime we try to go anywhere, he finds five more things to do right as we are walking out the door. I nearly killed him over the holidays.
As for Supergirl, she was perfecting the fine art of tormenting her brother and really thought she had a great gig, given her size and age advantage. Until he got teeth. Then little Wildman started evening the score. Now she treads a bit more lightly when she wants to take away a toy he's playing with. She's also made great strides on sassing, backtalking and disrespecting her parents and other adults this year. This has resulted in many trips to "time out". She has made some advances on learning to read and write, but she despises sitting still and paying attention. Can't wait for that one to go to school! They will be thrilled to have to deal with her.
And Wildman, our little preemie, is still not walking. Crawls at the speed of light and can stand up holding on to something. That child is a full time job. He is into everything - especially the things you don't want him into. He cannot be left unattended for two seconds. And after taking Supergirl's shit for 9 months and not fighting back, he is fed up with her. He goes after her with all he's got if she pisses him off. He takes off after her, crawling, swinging at her with his little arms, and if he gets close enough, he'll bite her. He's a little Tasmanian Devil. Oh yes, sibling rivalry is alive and well in our household.
And because we've taken leave of all our senses, Rock and I have decided to try for another baby in 2008! Next year, I should be writing to you all from the asylum!
All Our Best! Happy New Year!