Tuesday, January 8, 2008


So, Internets, I need your advice. I have a friend, we'll call her Carole. She and her husband Mike dated for a year, lived together for a year and have been married for four months. They are a good couple and love each other very much, but they've had some fairly serious problems throughout their relationship. The major problem, the one they can't get past, the one that keeps popping up no matter what, is that Mike talks to other girls. At first it was some girls from his hometown, with whom he was friends before he met Carole. Understandable and a bit sad that they couldn't all be friends, but they couldn't. But after he cut contact with those girls, he looked up some girls he had been friends with even further back in his past and started talking to them. Unfortunately, this isn't just "Hey, how are you?" kind of talking to each other, either. On at least one occasion, one of these girls has gotten the idea to send Mike nud!e photos of herself. I don't know about you, but I sure don't decide to do that out of the blue with no encouragement from the guy. Then Carole had a huge fight with her childhood best friend (we'll call her Lisa) and ended up kicking her out of the wedding. After Lisa tried to maintain contact with Mike, Carole stopped speaking to her. Apparently, Mike did maintain contact with her, and even had plans to have lunch with her the day before the wedding. Carole and Mike have had numerous discussions about this "friend" and Carole has repeated asked Mike to stop talking to her. Well, last Friday, Carole unexpectedly left work early and went to Mike's work to tell him why she had left work early. He was leaving work. (He has a retail job and an odd schedule, she works a more corporate type job and a more standard 8-5 schedule.) He was startled and a bit skittish to see her. They left and went home together. She knew that he had been talking to Lisa over text messaging the night before. Later that day, he received a text message from Lisa, saying, "I called you, why didn't you come?"

My questions to you:
Where was Mike going?
What should I say to Carole? She's entirely focused on Mike talking to Lisa.


JMC said...

First, I have to ask, in regards to "I sure don't decide to do that out of the blue with no encouragement from the guy", do you do that WITH encouragement from the guy? I KID.

Mike was headed for a little afternoon delight with Lisa. My advice to Carole is to dump Mike posthaste.

Gina said...

What can you say? Unless I read it wrong, you aren't privy to any information that she isn't. So you wouldn't be telling her anything she doesn't know.

While she sounds like she is suspicious (for good reason - Mike sounds like a skank), it seems like she is not ready to accpet/believe/whatever.

I have been in this same situation with a friend and the only thing you can really do is help her if she asks you and make sure she knows you are there for her. You can ask questions or start the topic if you think she wants to talk, give her advice if she wants it, etc. But pushing any harder will just put a strain on your friendship at a time when it sounds like she really needs it.

It's a frustrating situation.

Anonymous said...

Uh, yeah, your friend needs to dump Mike. She's in denial right now because if she were you looking in on the same situation, she'd know better. I don't think there is anything you can do because if you push I think it'll backfire and hurt your friendship. You just have to be supportive and wait for the inevitable, hoping that she saves herself, sooner rather than later, from a life with this dirtbag.

Shelly said...

Haha, jmc! Now, hell no, of course I don't! In my youger, single, wilder days, I might could have been persuaded to. : )

See, that's exactly what I (and Rock) thought. Oh, my poor friend.

Shelly said...

Hey Gina and welcome! You didn't read anything wrong - I have no information that she doesn't have. In fact, all of my information comes directly from her. You're definitely right, she's not ready to accept what anyone else can easily see. I just feel so bad to suspect this and not say anything. I feel like I should at least guide her to suspecting more. But, like you say, pushing will strain our friendship. She has often remarked that I'm the only one of her friends that hasn't encouraged her to dump him. Maybe I was wrong not to. I really didn't think he'd go this far. Thanks for your advice.

Shelly said...

Thanks, Shelly. I think you're totally right. I think if it were me needing advice, she would totally be able to see what was going on, but because it's her and she really loves the guy, she's being willfully blind. I just don't want her to come back and be like, "you knew what was going on! why didn't you tell me?!" But I don't know, not really. I do hope she saves herself. Thanks again.

Alice said...

oy, those situations SUCK. i agree with gina - about the only thing you can do is be there for her whatever she decides, and be honest with her. you can let your feelings about mike be known without necessarily telling her outright she should dump him.. but still let her know you're on her side if she does decide to break from him.

Shelly said...

Yeah, Alice, I think you're right. It's just such a tighrope to walk. I don't want to feel like I'm keeping anything from her, and I'm not, like I said, all my information comes from her. But I don't want to suggest something that she's not ready to hear. We all know what happens to the messenger.