Thursday, August 30, 2007

Interview by BeckEye

I love these interviews! It's so cool to see what kinds of questions someone would ask you based only on your blog. These fine and exciting questions come from BeckEye.

1. I see that you have 2 children, Supergirl and Wildman. What exactly are their super-powers, and were they inherited or just a fluke of nature?

I know that you asked about superpowers, but first let me tell you that Supergirl has the best superhero disguise of all time. She looks like a little porcelain doll. Seriously, she's tiny, about 4 foot tall and maybe 40 pounds. Skinniest kid in the neighborhood. Long red hair, big green eyes, palest white skin I've ever seen. Looks as calm and nice and sweet as she can be. But! Under that clever disguise lurks superhuman energy and strength, ear-shattering shrieks, and unholy speed. She can beat up boys twice her age! She can run circles around the kitchen island for days! She can scream and laugh so loud that your head will explode! And unfortunately, I have to admit that she inherited all these super-powers from me. I was a holy terror as a child.

As for Wildman, his super-powers are superhuman strength and possessing way over the legal limit of charm. And being unreasonably good natured and cheerful. He's simply the happiest baby I've ever seen. His smile could melt steel. And he's strong as hell. Trying to get a toy or bottle away from him takes all my strength! As for inheritance or fluke, I don't know. Rumor has it that Rock was a little charmer as a baby, so he maybe Wildman got it from him. Sure as hell didn't get it from me.

2. In July, you took the family on a cross-country road trip. Tell us about that. Specifically, were you all whistling zippity doo-da out of your assholes by the end of it?

Ah, see now, I had refrained from discussing that aspect of the trip because as Swistle says, "it crossed the line from 'Haha, my husband is such a cheesehead' to 'I actually dislike him and this is a bad marriage'". The trip ranged from some of the coolest scenery I've ever seen and some of the best pictures I've ever taken to flying through Idaho in the middle of the fucking night, using gas station bathrooms (*shudder*); from days where I laughed and joked and knew that I had married the best friend I would ever have and the best man I'd ever meet to days where I thought ending my marriage made perfect sense. In short, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times". It was too long, our vehicle was too small, Supergirl was bored as hell and acted terrible at least half the time, but overall, it was a great trip and we saw some fabulous sights and did some super cool stuff.

(On a side note, I just figured out how to make a link (I hope). I'm so proud.)

3. Your only listed musical interest on your profile is “classic rock.” What, if any, contemporary artists do you like?

Ummm, contemporary. You mean songs recorded *since* the 70's, don't you?
Ooh, ooh wait - Anna Nalick - I like Anna Nalick. And while I don't like Maroon 5, I know who they are and what songs they sing. I like Franz Ferdinand, Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale (I only know one song by his band, but that boy is *smoking* hot.) Oh, and Cake, I like Cake (MMmmmm....cake). And I like a couple songs by the Killers.

4. Back in April, Confucius say you were going to win the Powerball jackpot. How did that work out for you?

Seems I misunderstood old Confucius. He meant a small windfall, not a huge windfall. We found out that day that we were getting a bigger tax refund than we expected. Nice, but a hell of a long way from a Powerball victory.

5. Finally, who is Keyser Söze?

God, that is just simply The. Best. Movie. Ever.

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


So let me tell you a little bit about my daughter -

She's a little redheaded hellion. She'll be five in about three weeks (argh - party planning!). She's fiercely independent and doesn't take any shit off anybody.

Couple stories from the neighbors' daughter's birthday party on Saturday night -

The kids played outside with water balloons until it started to storm. Then they all piled into the house. The host mother was nice enough to offer Supergirl some dry clothes. As I was helping her change out of her wet dress, we discovered that her underwear was soaked, too. So I told her to strip them off as well. Her eyes got great big and she said, "But what will I wear?" and I told her she would just have to go without. Her response was, "But what will people say?" And I said, "Honey, no one will know. And don't you dare tell them!" Because she totally would have.

Supergirl was inside playing with the other children. (I was outside on the porch, so I heard this story secondhand from the other mother.) Apparently, Supergirl started wrestling with one of the little boys. The boy's mother decided to break them up, even though she didn't think they were being too rough and Supergirl wasn't complaining. The mother asked Supergirl, "Do you want to wrestle?" Supergirl's reply? "No, but I want to wrestle with him because he started it!"

And that's my kid. I'm insanely proud of her.

Thursday, August 23, 2007


Allow me to set the scene: Rural NC steakhouse, Monday night. About three tables were occupied. To our right, a young (maybe teenagers, maybe early twenties) redneck couple with an older lady, probably the mother of one of the rednecks.

(Please don't get offended that I'm calling them rednecks, in just a moment my own redneck tendencies will be making their blog debut.)

Redneck boy's cell phone rings. His ringtone is "Copperhead Road" by Steve Earl. I identified this by about 3 seconds of lyrics from the middle of the song. Rock was horrified that I knew that song that well. And yes, I know that I have announced to the world that I am a huge redneck. But seriously people, I usually suck at "Name That Tune". I'm proud that I could identify *ANY* song by three seconds of lyrics, even if it is "Copperhead Road".

In the course of his phone conversation, Redneck Boy says, "I'm not *that* stupid."

Rock's reply - "Well, at least he admits he is stupid - just not *that* stupid."

It's always good to know your limits.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Starbucks - Again

Dear Starbucks,

I had an interesting conversation with a barista this morning. I asked if she would stir my caramel macchiato if she put the espresso in last, so that my first sip would not be straight espresso. She told me that the baristas are trained to make the caramel macchiato by adding the espresso last. She did stir my macchiato, and said that if I order it "stirred" from now on, they will know to do that.

Seriously? Y'all have to be told to stir your drinks so that people aren't assaulted by straight espresso?

I should totally open a coffee shop. I could kick your ass.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Pretty Little Mistakes

Read an awesome book over the weekend - Pretty Little Mistakes.

It's a choose-your-own-adventure book for adults. Starts with your high school graduation. You choose whether you go to college or go traveling. From there, you make decisions and proceed through a "life". It's a great concept and really interestingly carried out. There's more than one way to meet some of the love interests, and some lives cut tragically short. And there are some repeating themes (prepare to have all your stuff stolen if you travel!). But overall, I really enjoyed it. There are 150 possible endings and I think I've read all of them. A great way to spend the weekend. It would also make a good beach book, because you could stop and start pretty easily.

Friday, August 10, 2007


I've recently discovered the music of David Bowie. A friend made me a copy of his greatest hits cd. I listened to it in the car on the way home from work. And spent the entire drive going, "wait - I didn't know Bowie sang that! I love that song." Or "Oops, I thought Billy Idol sang that one." Seriously, I had ascribed at least half of Bowie's major hits to Billy Idol! Now I wonder what Billy Idol really *does* sing.

Ordering Coffee

About a week ago, Mona at Hello Insomnia and Tessie at Messing with Texas were talking about how nervous they get ordering coffee at Starbucks.

I don't have that problem, but aparently, I do confuse my condiments. The other day, I stopped at Starbucks and ordered coffee and a bagel. After ordering the bagel, I said, "And can I get an extra, cream cheese."

I'm an idiot.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Oh Dramamine, Oh Dramamine, Oh How I Sing Your Praises

About three days into our vacation, I bought a box of Dramamine. Every day prior to that I had heard the four words that immediately strike terror into my heart - "Mommy, I feel sick." Supergirl gets carsick pretty easily, a fact that I had forgotten when packing for vacation. And anytime I see someone throw up, I have a *very* hard time not throwing up myself. So each time she announced that she felt sick, I panicked and tried to find something for her to throw up in. The first two days, we had extra large drink cups from McDonald's. The third day, in a fit of desperation, I handed her a diaper. Luckily, she didn't throw up at all. Then I wised up and bought some Dramamine. After that, she started every morning with a chewable orange pill. And she didn't get carsick the rest of the trip. Lesson? Dramamine works, people. I will be stocking up before any future vacations.

Thursday, August 2, 2007


Alright, Missouri, let's talk. We drove through Eastern Missouri and up through St. Louis. And I saw *ten* anti-abortion billboards, the worst advertising in the US, and a category of billboards I called, "Hey residents - don't die!". Ten anti-abortion billboards?! For real, y'all. I think we could have gotten the point with one or two. Three, even. Obviously, you feel strongly about this, so I could see putting up three billboards. But ten? That goes beyond strong feeling. I think you all need to change your state nickname. You're not the "Show Me" State - you're the "Let Me Tell You How to Live" State. (And just for the record - anti-abortion propaganda really pisses me off. So this part of the drive did not thrill me.)

Then, as we got closer to St. Louis, the billboards just advertising companies or products increased. And I learned that advertising writers who fail in other places are banished to Missouri. This was the lamest, least imaginative advertising I have ever seen. Billboards sported such hip, now phrases as "Let your trails end here!" There was one billboard for a car dealership that said "Puntermann!" that was straight out of Used Cars. "Look out, Marshall Lucky - it's high prices!"

And then there was my favorite category of Missouri billboards, the "Hey residents - don't die!" Most of them focused on seat belt use. My personal favorite was "Pickup trucks rock. They also roll. Buckle Up." Seriously, y'all - that is word for word. I tried to take a picture of it, but we were going by at 80 miles an hour.

And then! Then, there were the road signs about not hitting road construction workers. At the top, they said "Hit a Worker" with a line under it. And that section was bright orange. Underneath the line, it said $10,000 fine and possible imprisonment. It looked like a carnival sign - Hit a Worker, Win a Prize!

Welcome to the Suck

Yesterday had my personal trifecta of suck. I was in a training class from 8-12, my boss' boss was in town, and we had an after-hours event that lasted - well, I don't know how long it lasted. It was going strong when I left at 8:00. Those were the scheduled events. Then, I woke up at 4:30 am and realized that I had forgotten to update and send a document that Boss' boss had asked me for. *THEN*, I spilled coffee on my shirt because the assholes in front of me slammed on their brakes for a sudden turn. I was ready to give up by 8:00. Sucky, sucky day.