Monday, September 21, 2009

Follow-Up

So, wow, that was kind of a tailspin at the end of last week, wasn't it? Still pretty screwed up about my mom and my ex-BFF, huh?

BIG thank you to Hyphen Mama, who hit it right on the head with her comment. Here's her comment:
Oh! I just finished reading a book about setting Personal Boundaries (Anne Katherine)... and it talks so much about these kinds of relationships. They totally violated YOUR boundaries, and would you expect that if a new relationship formed that you'd be able to set very specific boundaries with them? If you don't think you can do that (I am SO NOT ABLE TO SET BOUNDARIES!!), then it probably wouldn't work out the way you want. I, too, have several friends who've had to be broken up with over the years.
Trolling FB has made me all kinds of nostalgic to reconnect with them (I even drove past one of their houses a few weeks ago, wondering if I should just stop and say "hi".) It's hard, because we have expectations going into it... and what if it doesn't turn out the way you need it to? It's like breaking up all over again.
I swear I gasped when I read that comment because it was SPOT ON. SPOT ON, people. Boundaries. THAT is what I've been trying to say for so long. THAT is the point I've been trying to get across to those two for 20*mumblemumble*years. Oh my God, that is IT. Boundaries. Wait, let me read that sentence again, "They totally violated YOUR boundaries". Basking in the truth of that. Basking. Basking. Okay, I'm better now. On to part two of that sentence, "and would you expect that if a new relationship formed that you'd be able to set very specific boundaries with them?" No, I do not. And here's why. I tried for years, YEARS, to set boundaries. And they walked right the hello over me. So to answer that question and the question at the end of the last post, no. No, I don't believe I can create a relationship in which personal boundaries are respected.

And then the next paragraph!! Yes, the Facebook nostalgia! It has made me reconnect with several old friends! In most cases, it has worked out really well. But yes, FB makes me want to be! friends! with! everyone!

This is why I put my thoughts out on the Internet. Because when I feel thoroughly confused and conflicted, someone makes a comment like that and I feel like the sun has shone through a stand of trees. Like there's light at the end of my tunnel. Thank you to all of you, my Internet friends. Your support and encouragement has gotten me through my miscarriage and helped me work through some of the tough issues in my past. I really can't say how much I appreciate it.

8 comments:

nicole said...

Real note to follow, but got my care package today and THANK YOU! Made me smile on an already good day.

Shelly Overlook said...

Big hugs to you!

Shelly said...

Nicole - Yay! You're so welcome! I hope you love the book!

Shelly said...

Shelly - thanks. Big hugs to you, too!

Alice said...

i know sometimes the internet can be sort of crummy, but situations like this TOTALLY make up for the rest of the shit, don't they? i love the internet :-)

Shelly said...

Alice - yes, they totally do. I love the Internet, too. I've continually been blown away by how generous and kind people are willing to be to a total stranger.

Hyphen Mama said...

Awe! Here I left thinking "hey hyphen, can you try not to hijack people's comment sections anymore?" Glad it helped. =)

Shelly said...

Hyphen - dude, you completely blew me away! I thought that post was the most rambly, incoherent bullshit ever and you just cut right to the chase and nailed it! Your comment helped me SO MUCH I can't even tell you! Thanks!