Monday, June 29, 2009

Bow Chicka Bow Wow

Subtitled: The Post My Husband Doesn't Want Me to Write.
But really. Surreal stuff like this does not happen to me very often, so I have to capitalize on it when it does. On Saturday, I received a very strange phone call from my dad. Seems he had a favor to ask of me.
Little backstory here to explain this request. My dad is a minister. He's at a location in which he has more than one church. One of his churches is not pleased with him. I won't say any more to avoid giving identifying details. Suffice it say, he's in a delicate situation with one of his churches. The other churches support him completely.
So. The favor my dad needed to ask of me. He, ah, wants me to store some stuff for him during the summer. See, it's some video tapes and dvd's and he doesn't want to put them in storage because the heat would ruin them. But he really needs to get them out of his house right now because of the church situation. Yep, you guessed it, my dad wants me to store his p0rn collection. Yes, me - mother of two small children.
But wait - it gets better. See, there's 10 boxes of movies.
My father wants me to store his 10 box p0rn collection. Hold me.
I mean, really, WHO has 10 boxes of p0rn? Oh, wait, that would be my dad.
Before you ask, yes, I will count the tapes. Yes, I will take pictures. Yes, I will post them. Rock is having a field day with this. He says he's going to take pictures and show them to his friends and when they ask what it is, he's going to say, "My preacher father-in-law's p0rn collection".
10 BOXES!
All weekend, we've been playing the, "if they're small boxes and only hold 10 tapes, that's still 100 tapes." "if they're big boxes and hold 20 tapes, that's 200 tapes!" O!M!G!
Rock says he didn't know anyone in the military who had that much p0rn and that my dad would be the p0rn god. That makes me the daughter of the p0rn god. Hold me.

57 comments:

Jess said...

OK, I can't believe your dad has that much porn and I also can't believe that he asked his DAUGHTER to store it. Aren't public storage units climate-controlled?

BeckEye said...

Let us pray.

d e v a n said...

I am confused! Your preacher dad asked you, his daughter, to store his 10 box collection of porn? I might drop dead if my dad asked me that. LOL My husband would probably die laughing. ha!

d e v a n said...

10 boxes?! I can't get over this...

Shelly said...

Jess - Um, yeah, that was my take on it, too. He really thought it was appropriate to ask me to store 10 boxes of p0rn.

Shelly said...

Beckeye - *snort*. I told my husband that there would be no more praying at the dinner table when we go out to eat with my dad.

Shelly said...

Devan - yeah, I'm confused, too. One of my friends was like, "I'm impressed that you guys have that open of a relationship." And I said, "I wasn't aware that we did."

Shelly said...

Devan (second comment) - yeah, that's the part I got stuck on, too.

Pickles and Dimes said...

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

OK, I'm done.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Nope, sorry. I wasn't.

HAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA.

Shelly said...

Shauna - yeah, that was me ALL WEEKEND!

Ree said...

That kinda makes you a p0rn princess, right? We need to bow down to you.

Shelly Overlook said...

Porn royalty? Wow!

LMAO!

Shelly said...

Ree - from regular girl to p0rn princess overnight!

Shelly said...

Shelly - yeah, titles I didn't want for 500, please Alex.

Alice said...

wait, why doesn't your hubs want you to write this? seems like it should be the post your DAD doesn't want you to write ;-)

Shelly said...

Alice - he was like, "DO NOT put that on the Internet! Someone will find it." And I was like, "Yeah, all my friends, who are going to laugh as hard as I am!"

Hyphen Mama said...

Hold on.... I have to send a link to this post to everybody I know! This is funny shiz!

BeckEye's comment... made me pee.

Shelly said...

Hyphen - thanks! Beckeye's comment made me laugh, too. She's a riot.

Swistle said...

Tapes? Parents are sooooo old-fashioned.

Shelly said...

Swistle - for a real blast from the past, he ALSO has a (small) collection of Beta Max tapes of p0rn at the old house that used to be my grandma's. He's multi-media like that.

Laura said...

I'm here from Swistle...funny stuff! Even funnier - I read your last comment as the beta tapes belong to your grandma. Third generation porn princess!

Nowheymama said...

(Here from Swistle.) I am impressed with your good attitude. I would be running straight to therapy. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Jill said...

(also here from Swistle)
Um, what if the 10 boxes are like moving boxes? I would think a shoe box would easily hold 10 vhs tapes, and way more dvds. But seriously, can you imagine if he pulls up with a uhaul?
I will so be coming back to look for pictures and further updates. This made my day.

Angie said...

Hilarious! The porn princess.

edbteach said...

I'm here by way of Swistle too. Oh my - that's all I can say. I think I would get rid of the tapes before asking my daughter to store them. And - the comments on this post are hilarious!!

Anonymous said...

Ok, I have to ask, is your dad like a sex addict or something?

I ask, because my dad's a minister, too, and I've suspected him of being a sex addict for the last 10 years or so.

bzzzzgrrrl said...

My parents are both clergy, and they have asked me to do some strange/hilarious/irritating things over the years, but you win. This is outstanding.

Beth Fish said...

Oh. Em. Gee. Hilarious.

ktjrdn said...

That is so hilarious. I would definitely be watching them. And laughing my ass off all the while. 10 boxes! Of course, I'd probably tape copies of them, too. But that's just me.

(I'm here from swistle too)

Shelly said...

Laura - hi and welcome! I went back and reread that sentence and it DOES kinda look like the Beta tapes were my grandma's. Ewww, no, they were not.

Shelly said...

Nowheymama - Yeah, I'm taking the more mature route of "not answering his phone calls". Hey - it's cheaper than therapy. : )

Shelly said...

Jill - Yup, I thought of that, too. Actually, my hubby's first comment was, "We'll have to take the truck down there to load it all up. There's no way all that will fit in his car."

Sadly, there will be no updates. The p0rn is not coming to my house.

Shelly said...

Angie - thanks and welcome!

Shelly said...

edbteach - yeah, the comments were cracking up all week. Thanks for visting!

Shelly said...

Anonymous - I wish you'd left your name, because I would love to take this off the blog and have a serious discussion about it. Email me at sm_rl@hotmail.com if you want to talk. To answer your question, a little, I'm not sure if I would say that my dad's a sex addict, but he's certainly one of those guys who can't be without some form of outlet, if you catch my drift.

Shelly said...

bzzzzgrrrl - It's a strange life, isn't it? I HOPE this will be his strangest request ever. Please God.

Shelly said...

Beth Fish - thanks! That was pretty much my reaction, too.

Shelly said...

ktjrdn - Yeah, that's the part I was really dreading. If I looked through the titles/ subjects or (God forbid) watched any of them, I WOULD KNOW WHAT MY FATHER LIKES. EWWWWWWWW.

Kathy said...

Here from Swistle!

OMG, OMG, OMG. My dad's a biker, okay, and I would still DIE if he asked me to store his collection of porn! Okay, I would also DIE if he ever made any reference to ever even having heard of porn! OMG! (We do not have "that kind" of relationship, obvs.)

Anonymous said...

ask him who his favorite porn star is.....

Serial Mommy said...

i found you through swistle...my dad has a LOT of porn, it's all magazines however...he's also NOT a minister...wow, 10 boxes of minister porn...i REALLY need to share this with the hubby! hehe...

Stacie said...

(here from Swistle)

Top ten things I hope my father NEVER EVER asks me to do.

Adad said...

Oh, common, you haven't even looked at the titles?

Is any of it gay porn?

On the positive side, your father obviously trusts you highly! Also, it would seem he has a healthy attitude (though maybe a little obsessive) toward sex. And he apparently raised you to be open-minded - or he thinks he did.

At least there is nothing illegal about what he's doing! He didn't ask you to hold his dope stash. He didn't ask you to put his mistress up until things blow over.

Um. Are you SURE this can't be tracked back to your dad? I was linked to it by a friend and I suspect it will get widely read, meaning the readership may eventually include people who are not malicious and might do some snooping.

Mary Lee said...

Don't let that trash into your home. I can't believe his churches (and his wife) are okay with this. Unbelievable.

Shelly said...

Kathy - yeah, I really didn't see this one coming.

Shelly said...

Anonymous - LOL! Well, I would if I wanted to open this discussion further, WHICH I DO NOT!

Shelly said...

Serial Mommy - Yeah, my hubby got a big laugh out of it, too.

Shelly said...

Stacy - yes, had I thought about it beforehand, it would have been on my list, too.

Shelly said...

Adad - Well, the p0rn ended up going to someone else, so I did not have the opportunity to look through the titles. I would have, though, because I'm way too curious for my own good.
Yes, my dad trusts me. A lot. My childhood wasn't great and he and I went through a lot at the hands of my mother. So we're pretty close. And yes, he did raise me to be open-minded. And I'm not horrified that my dad has a little p0rn. I have no problem with p0rn. I'm horrified that my dad had 10 BOXES of p0rn. That seems like a whole hell of a lot. No, there's nothing illegal. No, he's not cheating on his wife. If fact, they share the p0rn. It's part of their life. And like I said, that's not the issue. I'm glad that they're happy and have a fulfilling sx life. I just don't want to hear about it or see their preferences.

Ah, yeah. That's exactly why my hubby didn't want me to write this post. I REALLY didn't expect Swistle to link to it and bring this many people here. I am kind of nervous, because while I don't think you could find this blog by searching the internet for me, if you stumbled onto it, and knew me in real life, you would know for sure that it's me. So yeah, fingers crossed.

Shelly said...

Mary Lee - you'll be pleased to know that the p0rn went elsewhere. His churches DO NOT know about it and his wife shares his interest. So he's got that going for him.

Anyabeth said...

OH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

My husband ends up providing tech support for my family which means he gets an eyeful of what kind of porn my dad searches for on the internet.

And of course he turns around and tells me about it. Says if he has to know I have to know. Be glad you don't have to know.

Shelly said...

Anyabeth - thanks for sharing your story. I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone. And yes, I'm DEEPLY grateful that I don't have to know.

Fiona Picklebottom said...

I'm late to this party; that's what I get for being out of town for so long. I'm with Jess Loolu and Shauna with the "can't believe" and the "HAHAHAHAHAHA." How big are the boxes?

Shelly said...

Fiona - Dude, I wondered when you were gonna comment on this one! Yeah, hilarious, I know. I don't know how big the boxes are, fortunately, Dad decided to give them to a single guy he knows. (HOW was this not his first thought? The world may never know.)

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