Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Realization

This isn't what I planned to post today, but something just hit me. When I first broke contact with my mother, I was completely paranoid about her knowing any information about me or my life. I didn't want to know I was pregnant with Wildman (which was over a year after I stopped talking to her), didn't want her to know that we call him his middle name instead of his first name, etc. (She did find out that I was pregnant - my uncle and cousins visited from out of state and I told them. And I made sure word got back to her when he was born - I told her brother - I'm not totally heartless.) I didn't really examine why I felt that way, but looking back, I think it was fear. I didn't want her anywhere near me or anything of mine because she always took over. (Small example, when I was in college, Bath and Body Works Freesia was my "signature scent". When she wanted to pick out some Bath and Body Works stuff for herself, she immediately wanted to get Freesia. She wanted to hang out with my friends, she wanted to come to college and go to stuff with me, and on and on.)

Today I realized that I don't mind if my mother knows some things about my life. Recently, my former friend Heather's younger sister friended me on Facebook. I thought about for a day or so, then accepted the request. Yesterday, my oldest friend Amy, whose parents are very good friends with my mother, and with whom I had lost contact about 5 years ago, friended me on Facebook. I accepted the request, and I just finished writing her a very long, very detailed update on my life, my marriage, my job, and the kids.

I'm not ready to interact directly with my mother yet, but I don't feel as protective about my life anymore. Odd - growing up, I shared a lot with her. I felt sorry for her because she didn't have a love relationship anymore and had very few friends. I'm pretty generous by nature and I felt like I had so much and she had so little, so I tried to share. Then, when I got fed up, I shut her out of my life entirely. Now, I'm willing to let her in partway. I wonder where this will go.

12 comments:

Pickles and Dimes said...

I'm curious where this will go too. I hope everything works out.

Shelly said...

Thanks Shauna - I feel really weird. That totally surprised me and I just felt like writing about it. Thanks so much.

Alice said...

sounds like a really tough situation. i hope the slightly opened door works well for you both.

The Hotfessional said...

Hmmmmm. 2009 may be an interesting year for you.

d e v a n said...

I hope it works out how you want! Good luck!

Shelly said...

Alice - thank you. I hope so, too.

Shelly said...

Hot - it may, indeed.

Shelly said...

Thank you, Devan! I really don't know what I want.

Shelly Overlook said...

Maybe not knowing what you want means not having any expectations of her so she can't hurt you anymore. I hope it all works out and you come out pleasantly surprised.

Shelly said...

Shelly - that would certainly be nice. I hope so, too. I've definitely been surprised by my own feelings in the past few weeks.

Jess said...

It sounds like you're making progress with your mindset. Where this leads I think we are all curious to find out, but not having to feel as tense about it can only be a good thing, right?

Shelly said...

Jess, Yes, feeling less tense is really good. I feel less angry, too, which is improvement also. I just feel calmer, less panicky, when I think about my mother.