Monday, April 20, 2009
I've been thinking a lot lately about my miscarriage and trying again and where I am emotionally. And I've concluded that I'm not ready to try again anytime soon. The doctor advised me to wait three months, and I intend to wait at least that long. Maybe longer. Maybe the rest of this year. I don't want to try again right now. Partly because I'm scared. Partly because I'm just not ready. The part of my heart that wants more children is quiet right now. I feel like it's gone dormant to heal. It's not gone for good, I don't think. Although, sometimes I look at Wildman and think, "What if he's my last baby?" and it doesn't make me sad. I would be okay with him being the last child. But I don't think he will be. I feel like we will have more children, just not right now. I need some distance right now from pregnancy and babies. One of my closest friends is pregnant right now, and while I'm trying to be a good friend to her, I just don't want to hear much about it right now. I don't want to put myself out there again right now. I'm doing some things to prepare, like not getting back on prescriptions that are not approved for use during pregnancy, and I'm going to pick up some prenatal vitamins and folic acid and start taking them, but I'm also not going to chart anymore. Nothing against charting, it's very valuable and it works. I just don't want to get that close to this process anymore. I also want to take some time and do some things for me. I actually didn't want to get pregnant this year in the first place. I had just joined a gym and really wanted to lose some weight and get more healthy. When I found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled of course, and I put my goals on hold. And I know this is going to sound terrible, but I'm not mentioning this my husband right now. The topic of more children and when is very touchy in our household and I really don't want to argue about this. (His position is more children, as soon as possible. I'm the one with doubts, with hesitation.) I'm just going to mark down when my cycle starts and quietly avoid the 12th-16th days. I recently had my first period since the miscarriage and it really screwed with my head. I need to get back to the point where that is a normal function, not some kind of alarm bell in my head. Getting pregnant again is not the answer. Is this an extreme reaction to one miscarriage? Have I lived such a charmed life that one little setback derails me this much? I don't think so. In reading blogs this morning, I came across a sentiment that really resonated with me. Jess was writing about her crazy moving/ friend visiting/ super snowy weekend and she said, "I'm still not quite in the mood to look back and laugh about what a disaster it all was. I think I need a few more months before I have that type of perspective." I think that's exactly what I need, too. A few more months to get some perspective.