Monday, April 20, 2009

Perspective, Again

I've been thinking a lot lately about my miscarriage and trying again and where I am emotionally. And I've concluded that I'm not ready to try again anytime soon. The doctor advised me to wait three months, and I intend to wait at least that long. Maybe longer. Maybe the rest of this year. I don't want to try again right now. Partly because I'm scared. Partly because I'm just not ready. The part of my heart that wants more children is quiet right now. I feel like it's gone dormant to heal. It's not gone for good, I don't think. Although, sometimes I look at Wildman and think, "What if he's my last baby?" and it doesn't make me sad. I would be okay with him being the last child. But I don't think he will be. I feel like we will have more children, just not right now. I need some distance right now from pregnancy and babies. One of my closest friends is pregnant right now, and while I'm trying to be a good friend to her, I just don't want to hear much about it right now. I don't want to put myself out there again right now. I'm doing some things to prepare, like not getting back on prescriptions that are not approved for use during pregnancy, and I'm going to pick up some prenatal vitamins and folic acid and start taking them, but I'm also not going to chart anymore. Nothing against charting, it's very valuable and it works. I just don't want to get that close to this process anymore. I also want to take some time and do some things for me. I actually didn't want to get pregnant this year in the first place. I had just joined a gym and really wanted to lose some weight and get more healthy. When I found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled of course, and I put my goals on hold. And I know this is going to sound terrible, but I'm not mentioning this my husband right now. The topic of more children and when is very touchy in our household and I really don't want to argue about this. (His position is more children, as soon as possible. I'm the one with doubts, with hesitation.) I'm just going to mark down when my cycle starts and quietly avoid the 12th-16th days. I recently had my first period since the miscarriage and it really screwed with my head. I need to get back to the point where that is a normal function, not some kind of alarm bell in my head. Getting pregnant again is not the answer. Is this an extreme reaction to one miscarriage? Have I lived such a charmed life that one little setback derails me this much? I don't think so. In reading blogs this morning, I came across a sentiment that really resonated with me. Jess was writing about her crazy moving/ friend visiting/ super snowy weekend and she said, "I'm still not quite in the mood to look back and laugh about what a disaster it all was. I think I need a few more months before I have that type of perspective." I think that's exactly what I need, too. A few more months to get some perspective.

14 comments:

Janssen said...

Oh, that's a difficult place to be, I'm sure. Good luck!

d e v a n said...

It is hard to recover after a m/c. I had a loss and that baby would have been 3 in September. SOmetimes I still think about it sadly, and it was a long time ago! Of course, then I wouldn't have my other 2 little men...
Anyway, take your time! :)

Shelly Overlook said...

Big hugs to you!

Fiona Picklebottom said...

You just have to deal with it whatever way works for you. I've been through it three times, so if you need to talk about it, just get in touch.

Alice said...

big, big hugs. i have no idea how sucky this must be, but i'm pretty sure if it were me i'd have a hard time being thrilled to hear every detail of a friend's pregnancy, which i think is definitely ok. hugs.

Shelly said...

Janssen - thank you very much.

Shelly said...

Devan - Thanks for the advice. It helps to hear from someone else who has been through it.

Shelly said...

Shelly - thank you, my friend.

Shelly said...

Fiona - I'll email you. Thanks.

Shelly said...

Alice - Thank you. It really helps to hear that, because I'm having a hard time not beating myself up about not being a better friend.

Jess said...

I think it's good that you know you're not ready. You know? You need that time and it's fine to take it. You'll be ready when you're ready and whenever that is, that's OK.

Shelly said...

Jess - I agree. It would be easy to rush into something right now, but I think it will be better in the long run to take my time and know that I'm ready before I start.

desperate housewife said...

I think every miscarriage is different, and that sometimes your healing is much more painful if it was a pregnancy you were kind of iffy about to begin with. My first miscarriage, when Addy was nearly one, was very much a desired baby and yet I bounced back from it pretty fast and got pregnant three months later. This one, right before Eli turned one, was kind of a shock and though I wasn't completely devastated, I wasn't overjoyed either. Losing that baby put me into a total emotional tailspin, and I STILL have moments when I think, "I'm glad my health issues are forcing us to wait just a little longer." I just feel like, yes, I really want more kids, but also I think I'll feel happier about it with each month that I can put between Eli and this next baby. It's one more month of healing.
Best of luck to you. You'll know when you're ready.

Shelly said...

Semi-des - thank you so much. I think you're right about the iffy ones being worse. I feel a little guilty, like, "I didn't really want to be pregnant, so it was taken away". Which is insane, I know, but it's there.