Monday, April 13, 2009

The Fuck It List

I hope you all read Metalia, because she is hilarious. Last Monday, she wrote a song for Twilight: The Musical that is pricelessly funny. The comments are great, also. Lots of songs destined to be classics.

She also recently referenced Michael Ian Black's Anti-Bucket List, which he calls his Fuck It List. Hers is brilliant, so I'm following suit. Basically, here are the 10 things that I do not care about doing before I die.

Shelly's Fuck It List:

1. Appreciate opera - I tried, I really did. I believed that a truly cultured person, such as I aspired to be, would love classical music and opera. And come on, we've all seen Pretty Woman, where it's pretty much a test of her character whether or not she loves opera. So I tried. I attended several operas while I was in college. I even went to an opera that was IN ENGLISH. I STILL couldn't understand a damn thing. A couple years after college, I had a friend who sang opera and she invited me to a production of Manon that she was in. I deliberately didn't call her until after the last weekend of the opera and then played up how sorry I was to have missed it. Then she hit me with the fact that the opera wasn't over, there was one performance left, she had two free tickets and one of our mutual friends was going and I could sit with him. So I was screwed. We sat through that damn THREE HOUR opera (her friend was smart enough to bring a book with him, a fact that made me intensely jealous) and then went and found her afterwards. She was practically in tears and gushed to us, "Wasn't it beautiful? Didn't you cry when Manon died?" Her friend snorted and said, "Manon could have died a little faster for my tastes." And I said, "Yeah, she could have died two hours ago and we could all be home by now." Strangely, that was the last opera she invited me to attend.

2. Appreciate classical music - The predictable corollary to number one would be this. I tried it, too, although not as hard. I hate classical music and I always have. I've attended symphonies and string quartets and every other musical grouping involving a violin, and I'm sorry, this one's a cultural FAIL, too. I've decided to just embrace my inner redneck and give up on culture altogether. Fortunately, I am married to the perfect man for this. Rock's ex dragged him to a concert by a famous cellist (I think) and he fell asleep and snored throughout the performance.

3. Enjoy hiking - This could pretty much be expanded to most physical "pastimes". If it involves sweating, I probably do not enjoy it.

4. Care about sports - ANY sports, up to and including the Olympics. Yes, the NCAA national championship was just won by a team from my state. No, I didn't watch that game or any game leading up to it. This makes me stick out like a sore thumb at work. EVERY person I work with has a favorite team.

5. Acquire a taste for beer - Continuing the "Why I'm Considered Weird at Work" theme, I hate beer. I have tried many, many beers ranging from the cheap and nasty to the girly beers that are supposed to taste like fruit. Each one has that underlying beer taste that I find revolting. I once drank a concoction of lemon juice, sugar, vodka and WATER to avoid drinking beer (it was a combo of the only other drinks the frat guys had in their apartment).

6. Get a tan - I actually gave up on this one in college. I am pale, pale, pale and nothing will change that. I do not tan. I burn, then go directly back to pale white. I have learned, the hard way, that sunscreen is not just a pain in the ass. Again, I married well in that my hubby thinks that powder white, Victorian look is smokin' hot.

7. Take a high paying job that I would hate - Life's just too short. To go along with this, I have promised that I will never take a job if I get a bad vibe in the interview. I did that once, was completely miserable and quit the job after four months.

8. Acquire a taste for fish - I've tried this, too. Everything from flounder to catfish to salmon to sea bass. Every one of them has a horrible fish taste that I despise.

9. Go camping - Dude, I have tried this and unless you have a hotel hidden in your pocket, there is no way you will convince me to go camping. I am not an outdoors girl.

10. Own a sports/ fancy car - I'm not really a car person and I drive my Honda Civic fast enough, thank you. I've driven a Mustang before and it was cool, but I know myself well enough to know how much trouble I could get into with a fast sports car.

So, tell me. What is on your Fuck It List?


Janssen said...

No tanning for me either. It is simply guilt-inducing and pointless since I never get tan.

Fiona Picklebottom said...

I don't tan either. AND I hate beer and have no desire for anything for which I have to ACQUIRE a taste. SERIOUSLY? If you have to acquire a taste for something, here's a heads-up: you DON'T LIKE IT; stop faking and putting yourself through the hell of eating/drinking it. Because really? If you're honest with yourself, you STILL don't like it. Just admit it.

Anonymous said...

Not only am I pale, I am vampire translucent. Oh well. I look to Nicole Kidman as my hero in this regard.

I also am not a beer fan. Not only does it taste bad, but sometimes in a cup I swear it smells like vomit. It also makes me very full so I have to drink less. This is not so much a problem anymore like it was in college.

Fish? Ugh. Although I have to admit that I will eat fish IF it doesn't taste fishy AND it is covered in a yummy (mostly likely VERY unhealthy) sauce.

Hyphen Mama said...

My fuck it list would be EVERYTHING on your list AND lobster/crab/sea food. The whole time I was reading your list I was thinking "mine would be camping" and then THERE IT WAS! I try. I try very hard because my husband and daughter love camping. I'm allergic to everything that's living and my eyes swell shut.

I also went through a phase where I was positive I'd be more culturally adept if I knew how to play the piano (I know, crazy). I acquired my MIL's piano and it's been sitting TAKING UP ROOM in my living room for 8 years.

Pickles and Dimes said...

I'm with you on #5, 7 & 8, but I do love classical music! And camping. :)

Shelly said...

Janssen - Pale white girls UNITE!

Shelly said...

Fiona - I think you're right. And I'm too old to keep trying to appreciate food and beverages.

Shelly said...

Shelly - that settles it. You and I were definitely separated at birth.

Shelly said...

Hyphen - I love that GOT A PIANO to learn to play it. I did the same thing with the guitar. I finally gave it back to my dad. I still want to learn to play guitar, but there are other things I want to do more right now.

Shelly said...

Shauna - yes, but when you go camping, your tent has a chandelier. : )

Alice said...

haha, as someone coming back from 4 days in the sun with most of my body the exact same shade - and the remainder a painful red - i hear you on the tan thing. spray tanning works nicely, though, i will say :-)

Shelly said...

Alice - And I will admit that I've been really tempted to try spray tanning. I may give it a shot this year. Hope your trip was great!