Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Bad News

There's no good intro to this, so I'm just going to jump right in. I had a miscarriage over the weekend. Saturday evening I started bleeding pretty heavily, so we jumped in the car and went to the hospital. There, they did an ultrasound and determined that although there was an amniotic sac and some "stuff" in it, it was not developing into a baby.

The biggest consolation, for me, is that it was not caused by anything I did or didn't do. I can't beat myself up about it, which I would totally do. I'm sad, of course, and disappointed. I wanted a baby, dammit. The weirdest thing I feel is lonely. I feel like my body is a big house, with lots of rooms, and I'm all alone it in. And someone used to live there with me, but they moved out, suddenly, without even saying goodbye.

I'm back at work today, though I'll probably take tomorrow off to follow up at the doctor's office (I was supposed to do that yesterday, but they were closed due to snow). It's odd, but I feel like I'm thinking about it more here than I did at home. I guess without the kids to distract me, I have too much time to think. I'm mostly okay, with periods of melancholy. I'm glad it happened now, instead of later in the pregnancy. I HATE that I told so many people (not you guys, OBVS, but my whole freakin' office, oh my hell WHAT was I thinking), because it is so hard to keep telling people that it's over. I wish everyone already knew, because I don't really mind talking about the details, but somehow just saying, "I Had a Miscarriage" is a total beat-down.

24 comments:

Shelly Overlook said...

Oh, Shelly. I am so very, very sorry for you and your family's loss. My heart and thoughts are with you all.

Pickles and Dimes said...

I am so sorry. I wish I lived nearby so I could come over and we could chat. I'll be thinking of you.

Shelly said...

Shelly - thank you so much.

Shelly said...

Shauna - Thank you so much. It would be very nice if you lived nearby.

Dating Trooper said...

I"m so sorry. Hang in there and let yourself grieve a little. Writing helps too I think.
Take care of yourself.

Fiona Picklebottom said...

So sorry. I know how much it sucks. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.

Gina said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Shelly said...

DT - thanks so much. Yeah, I'm trying to remember that being sad is okay and is part of this process. I keep wanting to shake it off and get moving.

Shelly said...

Fi - thank you. I really appreciate your kindness.

Shelly said...

Gina - thanks a lot.

d e v a n said...

I'm so sorry Shelly! The untelling can be so hard. I hope that soon that part is over. I hope you're feeling better very soon!

Shelly said...

Devan - Yeah, the untelling is really sucking. I have one more friend I need to call and I'll call her on the way home. Then, I think I will be done. I got an office friend to spread the word here, so hopefully, when I come back on Thurdsday, everyone will know and I can skip the telling part.

Tess said...

Oh Shelly. I am so, SO sorry.

The telling must be just awful.

Princess Extraordinaire said...

I am so very sorry...it is times such as this that I wish I had something wise and soothing to say that would help ease the pain you are feeling...just know I am keeping you in my heart and prayers..

The Hotfessional said...

I'm sorry honey. {{hugs}}

Alice said...

oh shelly, i'm so sorry :-( i'm sending you many bloggy internet hugs.

i've had to untell happy news before, and it is Not Pleasant. is rock providing you with adequate quantities of chocolate?

Shelly said...

Tess - Thank you, sweetie.

Yeah, the telling sucked. I'm not a complete emotional cripple, but I really hate letting people in too far. I can't believe I told that many people I was pregnant. Big mistake.

Shelly said...

Princess - thank you. Nothing wise required. Just knowing that wonderful people like you all are thinking about me helps a lot.

Shelly said...

Hot - thank you so much.

Shelly said...

Alice - thank you. I really appreciate the thoughts and hugs. Yeah, untelling happy news is awful. And yes, the chocolate is flowing freely. (We stopped and got doughnuts on the way to the dr's office yesterday.)

Janssen said...

Oh, I'm just so very sorry to hear this.

Shelly said...

Janssen - thank you very much.

Bobbird3131 said...

I am so sorry for you.

Shelly said...

Bobbird - thank you very much.