Every year, -R- at And You Know What Else runs Blog Share, an event in which all the participants write an anonymous post. The posts then get mixed up and sent to different participants and posted anonymously on someone else's blog. So, I wrote a post and sent it to -R-, she forwarded it along to someone else, and they are posting it today. Someone else wrote the post you are about to read, sent it to -R-, and she sent it along to me to post today. Feel free to leave comments for today's guest poster, he or she knows that his or her post is going to be posted here and I'm sure would love to hear your feedback. For more information and a complete list of participants, visit And You Know What Else. And now, please enjoy our anonymous guest post for Blog Share today....
I'm considering have an affair.
It's hard for me to even see the letters written down, but there it is. My life is not fulfilling for me anymore, but no one would ever know looking at the outside. From the outside, we are a very happy, well balanced family. We both work full time, we have 2 amazing children and own a beautiful house. People are always telling me they don't know how I do it. And of course I smile and laugh it off. But I'm NOT laughing. I'm SCREAMING on the inside and no one can hear.
People see me as the one who takes care of my family. Meals are always on time, my house is always clean and my children are happy. My spouse never has to do any domestic chores because I stay up late to take care of it so there is always time for our children.
But I want ME time. I want to be able to curl up with a book and not worry about anyone. I can't remember the last time I did. I'm tired and I want to be pampered. There is a person in the building that I work who has been dropping some not too subtle hints, and I think I'm going to encourage them. I cannot break up my family unit, but I want to be happy. This seems like the only way to do it.
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23 comments:
Wow. I can't say that I know how you feel because I'm not married and I have no children. But what I can say is that this is part of the reason I made a choice a long time ago that I don't want to have children - because I like my alone time way too much. So, from that perspective, I completely understand why you feel the way you do. Sometimes life gets so overwhelming and is just too much to balance. And sometimes life just feels like one huge rut that you can't escape from. I completely get it.
I can't encourage you to have an affair, but is there any chance you could even take a week vacation and go somewhere all alone? Or get your husband to go to some couples counseling so that he might understand you need some alone time now and then? Maybe y'all could work out a schedule where he takes the kids somewhere every Sunday afternoon (or even every other weekend for an afternoon) and lets you lay on the sofa and read a book. Do you have any family nearby that might help out with childcare on a regular basis so you could have some alone time? Geez, I don't know - this is a tough situation. I hope you can work it out and be happy again though.
That's a tough situation. My advice is to talk to your husband about pitching in around the house more. Maybe if he did that, you'd have more time for yourself and you'd be happier. If you did have the affair and your husband found out about it, I don't see how your family could escape the consequences ... your call, of course, but I definitely think you should consider all possible outcomes before proceeding.
You simply cannot continue to live your life like this. You will split open at some point.
Wanting me time is not unusual or unreasonable and the fact that you aren't getting it is awful. I must agree with the other two comments that if you want to save your marriage, you have to be open and communicate your needs. I don't want to sound like a know-it-all but I am about to divorce because of my inability to communicate. My biggest regret is that I couldn't open up about what I needed sooner. It's too late now and I am devastated.
If a face-to-face conversation is too hard for you to imagine, write it down. As long as it gets communicated, that's all that matters.
Good luck to you.
When you choose an act, you choose the consequence of that act, and you have to assume that your husband will find out if you cheat. To assume otherwise is just wishful thinking, and won't end well for anyone involved. By choosing this, you are choosing to break up your family unit. At the very least it will be based on a lie moving forward.
I speak from hard, hard experience, and my advice to you is that if you love him and want to stay married, you must tell you husband. If you haven't told him how unhappy you are, then how can you possibly expect your life to change? Unless he's a total creep, you owe him the chance to work with you to meet your needs and achieve fulfillment. Do you honestly believe you owe the flirter at work more consideration to contribute to your happiness than the man you chose to have children with?
It will probably be the hardest conversation you will ever have with your spouse, but the question you have to ask yourself is, will it be harder than the one you'll have when he finds out you've cheated?
Good luck trying to achieve what you seek.
I don't think an affair will increase your Me Time---and in fact, I think you might find it ends up being just another thing you have to manage to squeeze in to your busy schedule.
Been there, done that.
What it forced me to do, was really think - in definite and concrete terms - just what it was exactly I was missing / needing / wanting.
No "I need to be a movie start!" or "I want a million dollars" kind of stuff, but "I am DEFINITELY NOT retiring to Ohio".
And "If I am going continue to be going to social events with my Best Girlfriend as my date, I may as well be free to determine the other aspects of my life."
It did turn out to be a divorce, for me.
Are you going there (and it is as equally hard to seeit / say it as "I am going to ahve an affair". Trust me.)?
Get away for more than a weekend, it's your samity at stake. If you are wrapped around deceit, then there can BE no real, sane home life for you and your family. You owe that to yourself.
I don't want to give you advice because I feel it will seem contrite. We all have difficult situations to face and we all have to deal with them in different ways.
I had an affair (more than one, actually) and my husband did find out. I didn't want to divorce him. I was simply unhappy with my own life and my personal fulfillment and for a time found it through someone else. However, when my husband did find out I felt like my entire world emploded around both of us. It was AWFUL. Fortunately, we found an amazing couples therapist and after working very hard together we found out what was missing, what was wrong and how to make it right. I know this isn't the case for everyone who goes through a situation like this.
I hope you find self-fulfillment and hope you find it in a way that won't severely damage any of you. Marriage and life are hard - really hard. I don't think people who haven't been there have any comprehension of how hard marriage can be.
I guess this little last bit is advice, but I suggest whatever you do, you move slowly in your decision making.
Oh, well, I guess this isn't time for advice, but I wish you luck and a little bit of peace in your journey.
I deleted my comment because I'd rather not share it with the whole world (not that everyone doesn't already know) and forgot to log out, but I know you'll see it, and hopefully it will help.
I hope you get through this.
I cannot even imagine the strain that you must be under right now. It sounds like you're feeling completely lonely and overwhelmed, and I'm so sad that you're having to go through that. My first inclination, though, is to think that having an affair will, in fact, decrease your "me time." When my ex was having an affair, he became more stressed than he'd ever been before - which was ultimately how I figured it out. He was expending all of his energy trying to keep his secret, and he began to struggle at work, he couldn't eat, etc blah blah.
I know that routines are nearly impossible to break, so I can understand why you feel like your husband might not change. But please, speak up for yourself!
(I don't know how old your children are, but they can help out with the cleaning and chores, too. You do not have to do it alone.)
Big hug to you!!!
I'm a firm believer in remaining true to wedding vows, but I understand that you feel like you're in a difficult situation. I encourage you to find another way through it, and wish you the best.
Oh, you are SO NOT ALONE. I thought about writing about this for Blog Share, too!
For different reasons, I considered the same thing. My potential-affair-guy was not someone in my office building - he was someone from my past (who I had not dated) who contacted me through Facebook. It started out innocently enough but then morphed into some serious flirtation. I found myself lying to my husband, saying I was working late when really I was talking to my "internet boyfriend" on the phone instead (he does not live in the same city as me). I travel to his city fairly often for work, and we actually had a date one night which resulted in us kissing.
After much, much reflection, I broke things off with him. My husband does not know about it, and I am very glad that I did not sleep with the internet boyfriend.
For me, it came down to me deciding to but both feet back into my marriage and to fight for my own happiness, within my marriage and individually. Anyone who says marriage is easy is lying. Anyone who says so is lying or kidding themselves or sticking their heads in the sand.
Wow, sorry for the comment hijack and the scattershot nature of it. I wish we knew each other's identities so we could talk more about it.
I will close with this: I do recommend that you proceed very very cautiously. Think REALLY HARD about whether this is what you want. Be realistic about all of the implications, don't underestimate the intensity of any guilt you may or may not feel (depending on your overall mindset), and don't underestimate the possible consequences if you were to go through with this and your husband were to find out - or if your kids were to find out as well.
Only you can know what path is right for you, and I'm so sorry to hear you are unhappy enough to consider seeking contentment outside your marriage. I know how awful it is, having been there myself.
It sounds like you are in a tough situation but having an affair is like jumping from the pot into the fire. You will get caught. Everyone always does. And when you do have you considered the consequences to your children? You defininetly need to do something to create some balance and communication between you and your husband. Perhaps you need to even tell him that the extent of your unhappiness has driven you to consider such an option. Good luck.
I feel so bad for for you. I know that its easy to become discontent and no one understands when you have a "perfect life". I'll be praying for you that you will find the right things to fill the hole inside you.
Oh, this sucks. I have a friend who had an affair and ended up leaving her husband for the guy. She's happy with the guy now but the incredible stress, guilt, and messiness that ensued in the middle were really difficult. The situation sucked for everybody involved.
I think it's important to remember that having an affair is not an easy thing to do. It is messy. It's complicated. It takes time. It causes huge emotional upheaval. And it sets up impossible choices. I don't think that's how you're going to get the pampered "me time" that you need.
Is there someone--anyone--you can talk to? Obviously I would suggest your husband but if that's not an option, then a friend or a therapist? Anyone who can help you analyze your situation and figure out if there's a more constructive way to make a change.
Good luck!
I'm not seeing where having an affair will increase your alone time. It seems like it would decrease it, since you would have to arrange to have what your family thinks is alone time when in fact it would just be more time when you are not alone. I suggest "faking" the affair. Do whatever you would do to get time with the guy you are considering having the affair with, then spend that time doing whatever "me" things you want to do. It's a win-win. You get to be alone AND you're not risking breaking up your family.
A little tough love coming from a woman who is divorced. If what you want is time alone to read a book and relax, make that happen. Let the house get dirty and see how that works for you before you make a mistake that could potentially ruin your life.
Oh, honey, don't do it!!!!!!!! Talk to your husband about helping out more around the house, and you absolutely must insist on one full day every 2 weeks or so, that is totally yours. On those days, walk in the park, go to a day spa, see a movie, and your family must keep the house in order while you're "on vacation." INSIST on it. If you get involved with this other guy, so many will be hurt, including you. Remember: You cannot undo something once you've done it. You cannot un-know something that you know. You don't have to know the pain that an affair will undoubbtedly cause you in the long run.
Maria in Oregon
I agree that adding another task to your list of things to keep up with will be more exhausting than the few minutes of relaxation with another boy can relieve.
I don't really have much to contribute that others haven't already. Do consider all the consequences before you make your choice. Perhaps writing this confession for blog share will help give you perspective. Good luck.
I might seem like a stupid teenager when I disagree with everybody who's commented, but I'm a strong believer in doing what you think will make you happy. Even if I'm not married, and I don't have children, and I've never had an affair with anybody considering that I've never been married, I still have an opinion about this.
If you think that an affair will make you happy, do it. It may hurt the people around you drastically, but in the end, all you have is you. It seems to me like you have a right to be selfish for once in your life. Just remember that everything has consequences, and that those all must be dealt with at some time or another. What I think you should think about is if any unhappiness you'll be feeling when those consequences come along is worth feeling happy for just a short period of time that this affair will last?
If you think it's worth it. I say that you should do whatever will make you happy.
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